that is an insult to my masculinity
by rubies and diamonds
Summary: "But never have I ever is played when you don't know the people you're playing with all that well," Marco complained.


**a/n: **hELLO oh my GOD ITS BEEN so long since i wrote anything that i didn't want to burn with fire

**disclaimer:** snk belongs to hajime isayama not meeeeee

* * *

"But never have I ever is played when you don't know the people you're playing with all that well," Marco complained to the group, while Connie lined up plastic shot glasses in front of everyone.

"True, but this way we can find out all your deepest, darkest secrets," Jean teased, bumping a shoulder into the slightly taller boy.

"I'm pretty sure you all know them anyway, all I do is spill my life story when I'm high," he replied, glaring playfully at the boy next to him.

"Well, what do you suggest then?" Sasha asked, thanking Connie quickly as he gave her the glass.

"I don't know, the card game that Hitch showed us, the one she made up; when the cards are in a circle and each number is assigned to something. That was fun."

"We'll play that after, it's so much better when you're already tipsy," she reasoned, to which Marco nodded.

"What are we playing with?" Connie asked from the kitchen, his head in the cupboard. "We have some Glenn's, but I count that as blow to my masculinity because it's such a white girl drink," he said, to which Sasha nearly fell off of her chair laughing at.

"Don't we have any leftover Jack?"

Armin pulled a face. "No."

"Work with us, kids."

"Oh, Sash, I have that yellow shit – the stuff that tastes like cleaner fluid at first but turns into like really sweet lemon fanta at the end?"

"The shit Mina got us from wherever it was she went?"

"Yeah."

"YES."

Everyone looked confused at the exchange, but Sasha nodded vigorously, a wide smile on her lips. "Trust me on this, this stuff is great."

"What is it?" Jean asked, poking her in the side, frowning a little.

"Well… we don't actually know. 'Cause Mina bunks here when she's not travelling, she always gets us this random shit from wherever she is. It's in this sickass bottle though, with like this creepy moon that's all smiley, like he knows something you don't."

No one believed her until Connie brought the bottle out.

"You weren't lying," Eren said, eyeing the bottle suspiciously.

"How many are we doing?" Connie asked, after he finished filling up everyone's glasses.

"Five?" Marco asked, looking around the group, to which everyone shrugged and nodded, knowing that would not be all they were drinking that night.

Sasha snorted to herself, her eyes on the shot glass in front of her.

"What's wrong?" Reiner asked, face pulled into a half confused frown.

"I can't believe you'll drink this fruity shit but Glenn's is an insult to your masculinity," she said, eyes on Connie, before smirking at Reiner.

Everyone laughed as Connie glared at her.

"So, whose starting?" Jean asked, expecting someone to volunteer.

"Considering I'm not all into playing this anyway, I'll start," Marco said, before declaring, "never have I ever had sex with a girl."

Everyone was expecting only Connie to drink, maybe Jean, then laugh at him when he would complain that he needed Ymir here to back him up; and were slightly surprised when Reiner, Bert, Eren, Armin and Mikasa all drank up.

"You're right, this shit is great," Reiner had said after, licking his lips and smacking them together.

There was a beat of silence, and then Sasha's confused voice, saying "I thought you all were gay?"

Bert went bright red before mumbling "but Annie though," to which Reiner shrugged and nodded in agreement. Sasha deemed this a respectable answer, then turned to the other three.

"We aren't the only trio that can have a threesome," Armin pointed out.

Again, another beat of silence before, though Jean this time; "Jaeger, you fucked your sister?"

"Shut the fuck up."

"You're kidding me."

"She's not even my sister."

"You _actually_ had sex with your sister."

"SHE'S NOT EVEN ADOPTIVE OR ANYTHING SHE LITERALLY JUST LIVED WITH US AFTER OH, I DON'T KNOW, HER PARENTS FUCKING DIED."

Satisfied that he had wound Eren up, he turned to the boy sitting next to him and asked "Armin, how could you let this _happen_?"

Armin shrugged. "Are you going to turn down Eren and Mikasa saying they want you in the middle of them?"

Jean was silent after that.

"But still – Mika, that means you were with two guys, no girls," Sasha said, looking at her in confusion.

"That would be correct," Mikasa said, a sly smile on her face.

"Then who…?"

Repeating Bert from earlier, she grinned and shrugged. "Annie though."

"And you said this game was for kids who didn't know each other that well," Sasha laughed, looking pointedly at Marco, before her eyes slid over to Connie, as they had been a little bit more than prone to do as of late.

He had been uncharacteristically quiet during the exchange, which was very out of character for him, especially when it regarded Mikasa and Eren, which he had called were having creepy sibling not sibling sex back in freshman year.

Her eyes then landed on his glass, which was even more shockingly, full.

"Con?" she asked, frowning at him slightly.

"Huh?" he replied, snapping his unfocused gaze onto her face.

"You're gay?"

"Huh?" he repeated, a bit more indignant this time.

"Glass," she said, nodding at it.

He looked down as if only noticing. "Shit."

"So you are?"

"No!"

"Then why haven't you drunk?"

"There is a more plausible reason, Sash," he mumbled.

"Dude, 90% of this group is gay, having the homo is highly plausible."

"I'm not gay!"

"Enlighten us then, oh great Springer," she said sarcastically.

"Virgin," he said quietly.

"You what?"

"Virgin," he repeated, a little louder.

"You… never?"

"Is it that hard to comprehend?" he asked, exasperated.

"Yes!" she exclaimed. "I mean, you're short, but you're still hot!"

He grinned a wide, shit-eating grin. "You think I'm hot?"

"Don't change the topic."

"You don't deny it!"

She only shrugged.

"So why are you Virgin Mary?" Marco asked, looking over at him.

"Never found the right girl, I guess?"

"Let me get this straight…" Sasha said. "You won't drink vodka because it's a girls drink, yet you get excited over fruity liquor and are 'waiting for the right girl' to give your most precious gift to? Con, do you realise how ridiculous that sounds?" as if to prove a point, she got up out of her chair, went over to the cupboard they kept their liquor in, and grabbed both the half empty bottle of whiskey, and the near full bottle of vodka; before bringing them back to the table and setting them by the creepy, smiling moon bottle.

"Leave off Sash, there isn't anything wrong with virginity," Armin said, smiling at Connie. "Eren only lost his recently."

Eren whipped round and stared at him open mouthed. "The fuck?"

"What?" he asked, turning back to face him.

"Aw, Armin was your first?" Sasha cooed.

"I swear I will punch all of you in the throats."

"How long ago?" Bert asked.

Armin squinted a bit, and looked at the ceiling. "Um, probably beginning of the semester?"

"That's like… six, seven months ago?"

"Yeah."

"And here I thought you were banging Prof. Levi in freshman," Jean said with a shrug.

"Ugh I wish," Eren said, before smooching Armin on the cheek when he frowned at him, looking a little hurt.

"Are we done with this topic now?" Marco asked, looking at Jean as if to say 'go, go, go'.

A chorus of yeses passed around the room, and Jean refilled everyone who'd drunk's glasses, then made a tally of how many lives everyone had left.

"Okay!" he started. "Never have I ever… fucked Thomas Wagner."

Everyone laughed and all the guys save Connie drank.

"No shame," Eren said. "Its like the gay incitation. You aren't properly gay until you've been with Thomas."

Marco had a proud smile on his face. "Ah, my boy has come so far," to which Reiner nearly pissed himself when Bert looked momentarily confused, like he thought Marco was actually his father.

"What do you mean by that?" Armin asked.

"Have you not heard the legend of the Greek God-like man who taught everything he knew to the fabled gay initiator, Thomas Wagner?" he asked conspiratorially, waggling his thick eyebrows.

"If you tell me that it was you, I'm going to have to insist that we engage in immediate sexual intercourse because I am not settling for the kouhai when I could have the senpai."

"Slow down there," Marco laughed. "Call me tomorrow," he said with a wink.

Armins already wide eyes grew even larger. "MARCO'S THE SENPAI."

"Next confession?" he asked, looking past Jean, to Sasha.

Sasha refilled the glasses as she said, "never have I ever fucked my best friend."

"Oh come _on_," Armin groaned, drinking again. "This is turning into some kind of record."

"Wait..." Eren said after emptying his glass. "You and Jean never?"

She looked between herself and the seat next to her, where Jean sat, frowning at Eren.

"You thought me… and him?"

"Its highly possible!" he said, defending himself.

"No!" she screeched. "Not that it would be that bad," she said quickly, noticing Jean looking a little offended. "But no!"

"Well, honestly my first choice would have been Connie, but…"

"Next confession!" Connie yelped.

"Finally, I'm not gonna drink," Reiner said, before he confessed to never having ever had a crush on a teacher, to which only Eren ended up drinking, then yelled and said he knew for a fact half of them had wet dreams over their college's dean, Erwin Smith, to which they all laughed and said that he didn't count as a teacher.

Eren then gave them all the finger and called them lying, cheating bastards.

Mikasa slapped him upside the head and told him to stop being a whiny bitch, and Sasha nearly fell of her chair laughing.

After Bert confesses to never having ever wanted to start a band, everyone's eyes fall on Eren, who was convinced the lot of them could be the Jaeger Bombs back in high school. He downs his drink and throws the glass at Jean, and when asked why, out of everyone, he had to throw it at him; he just shrugs and says, "your face is the most hit-able."

"I'm out," he says, sighing. "This is embarrassing."

"You're embarrassing."

"Shut the fuck up Kirschtein."

"No. Now confess to something, dickwad."

"Never have I ever been called horse face," he shoots out quickly, eyes never leaving Jean, a tight glare on his face.

Marco and Armin share a look, like they were comparing how ridiculous their best friend/boyfriends were.

Pretty much everyone knew of Marco's great big gay crush on Jean, but to their credit didn't spill it.

Jean calls Eren out on his confession, to which Eren replies that it is a perfectly valid confession seeing as he never has, in fact, been labeled a horse face, unlike someone on this very table, who does have the unfortunate likeness of a horse. Jean looks like he's about to murder him, but downs the drink anyway, if only to just get the smug look off of Eren's face.

The game continues on, Armin getting out in the next few questions, then Reiner, Bert, Mikasa, Sasha, and Jean, until only Connie and Marco remain, both with two drinks left.

The rest of the group, more than a little tipsy due to getting bored when they weren't playing and just started drinking what was on the table; and extremely into what they dubbed as 'the bald-freckled face off'; threw out confessions here and there, hoping to get one of the guys to drink, since they decided that it wouldn't be fair if they were the ones to be confessing, since they could use previous knowledge to get the other out.

Mikasa says that she's never had a crush on her best friend and both of the boys go red, eye widening, before glaring murderously at her as she dons a smug smirk, and down their drink in unison.

This, of course, raises a round of questions.

"Mikasa, I'm not your best friend?" ("Course you are Armin, I just don't have a crush on you." "That's okay then.")

"MARCO, I'M NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND?" Jean yells.

"CONNIE, I LOVE YOU TOO!" Sasha screeches, climbing onto the table and jumping into Connie's lap, who sat across from her; before smooching him on the cheek. "Please say you mean me or this is going to get real embarrassing and awkward real quick."

Connie, who, considering his dark skin, has never really had a problem with blushing, which he's always been thankful for, considering he blushes a whole lot around Sasha. However, this doesn't seem to be helping him right now, since his face feels like it is literally about to catch fire, his throat and lips dry, mind completely blank.

"Uh…"

"SHIT," Sasha yells in his face, her eyes wide. "Connie! Who is she? Is she prettier than me? Does she not steal your Oreos? Huh?"

"No," he says. "No, she definitely steals my Oreos. And I doubt anyone could be prettier than you."

"Wow, look at Mr. Smooth," Reiner mutters, though not as quietly as he thinks he does.

"Someone's going to loose their 'most precious gift' tonight," Eren mutters back.

"Wait…" she says, ignoring the guys.

"Yes it's you, idiot."

"Yay!" she cheers, throwing her arms around Connie's neck and kissing him full on the lips.

"Get a room," Reiner calls.

"Eh hem," Marco interrupts. "We have a game to finish."

He looks more than a little put out; his cheeks still red, eyes not conveying their usual cool calm.

"Win it for me, baby," Sasha whispers loudly in his ear, and then giggles loudly before kissing him on the cheek again.

Connie thinks he could definitely get used to this.

Down to one drink each, the two rivals stare each other down over the table, waiting for someone to make a confession.

Reiner then thinks it hilarious to confess "never have I ever farted", which then provokes Bert to yell, panicked, that Reiner is lying; like if they believed him the world would come to an end.

Eren makes a more sensible confession of "never have I ever sucked someone's big toe", to which Armin responds to with "don't worry, you can suck mine later," then whispers "after you suck my cock". Eren goes bright red and everyone, having heard Armin's not so quiet whisper, gives him a sidelong look with a wide smirk.

A few more random confessions are thrown around, not eliciting a reaction from either boy.

"Never have I ever taken it up the ass," Mikasa says with a completely straight face, and after seeing everyone give her a strange look, shrugs and says "well, other than those two," pointing at Connie and Sasha, "I'm the only one who can say that."

"Actually, only Connie," Sasha corrects. "Word of advice, _so _not worth it. Had to sit on a bag of frozen peas all day the next day, it was awful. Didn't even feel good. Guy had to use his fingers after he'd come."

Marco drinks and smiles at Connie. "Congrats."

They shake hands, like the game was a serious competition, not a way for a bunch of kids to get ridiculously drunk while having a reason for doing so.

"Yay, c'mon Connie lets celebrate," Sasha insists, getting up and dragging him out of his seat, pulling him out of the room. "We'll see you later okay?" she tells the rest of them, before running excitedly down the hall of her apartment, Connie in tow, presumably to change his current status of virgin.

Reiner leans back on his chair to see down the hall, and yells "Use protection!"

Meanwhile, Eren leans over and grabs Marco by the shoulders, looking him dead in the eye. "Marco, what happened out there? I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!" his words are a little slurred, and he sounds like he's about to cry. He then lets him go in favour of finishing off his drink.

"Blame Mikasa," he says, shooting her a playful glare, seeing her flash him a quick grin in response.

"So, who is the friend you've got the crush on?" she asks, and the room falls silent.

Marco then wonders why everyone likes Mikasa so much, because really, she's an awful person.

"Yeah, Marco!" Eren cheers, pouring himself another drink, something he had been doing since Mikasa got out.

"Eren, I don't think you should drink anymore…" Armin says, looking him over.

His head snaps up, like he didn't realize Armin was sitting next to him. "Armin!" he calls, throwing himself onto him and beginning to kiss him everywhere on his face. "Marco, its okay to love your best friend because I do and daaaaang."

"Aw, you love me?" Armin asks, smiling down at him.

"Course I do, dingus. Haven't I told you before?"

"No," he says, looking a little put out.

Eren's eyes widen and his jaw drops, like that is the worst, most inconceivable thing possible. "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, ilvoeyou, ivloeubeyou, ilvoeuou," he begins to chant, his words becoming more slurred and incomprehensible as he goes on.

Mikasa has a slight look of distain as she looks down at her brother. "Take him somewhere else please, the idiot is embarrassing me."

Armin grins a wide, shit-eating grin up at her, like he knew something the rest of the group didn't know pertaining to what she said (which, to be fair, is highly probable) before getting up and helping Eren up too, kisses Mikasa on the cheek and leads Eren out of the kitchen. "We'll be in the living room if we're needed!"

"Sasha is going to be so pissed when she finds cum stains on her couch," Jean says, and although what he said should have an air of joke behind it, his voice is a little empty.

Marco notices he's also been rather quiet since Mikasa brought up the whole "crushing on best friends" thing.

"I take it Hitch's game isn't going to happen?" he asks to the remainder of the group.

Reiner and Bert, both a little red faced and (in Bert's case) sweaty (which leads Marco to believe their hands haven't been kept to themselves while under the table) shrug and shake their heads quickly, before excusing themselves, and head off to what Marco supposes is probably the bathroom, or whichever room Connie and Sasha aren't using. Mikasa gets up from the table and tells them both to behave while she's gone, and goes the opposite way to everyone else, and lets herself out onto the balcony.

"Um, Marco," Jean begins, looking down at his scuffed up shoes and hands that are nervously picking at his nails.

"Yeah?" he replies, looking over at the mop of dirty blonde.

"Am I not your best friend?" he asks sullenly. Marco sometimes forgets Jean is an emotional drunk.

"What?" He also sometimes forgets Jean is an oblivious idiot.

"Am I?"

"Yeah, dude, course you are," he assures.

"But not your only one," he clarifies.

"Huh?"

"I'm not your only best friend," he states.

"Jean, I don't get your point." Sure, he also classed most of the people here tonight as his close friends as well, but...

"Why have you got other best friends, Marco?" he demands, voice raising. He looks like he's about to cry.

"Dude, what the…?"

"I thought I was special," he whines, and tears begin to trickle down his cheeks. "I thought I was your only bff."

"Jean, what the fuck."

"And why do you have a crush on them?"

"Huh?" It's safe to say that Marco is a little bit more than confused.

"Am I not good enough for you, Mr. Senpai I Taught Thomas Wagner Everything He Knows?"

Marco just stares blankly at him, looking more confused by the second.

"Why don't you have a crush on me?"

"…Do you want me to?" he asks, bewilderment leaking into his tone, trying to steady his racing heart, hoping his cheeks aren't as red as they were when Mikasa first brought up the topic.

"Yes!" he says exasperatedly, like its completely obvious.

"Why?"

"So we can do dumb cute boyfriend things like Eren and Armin, and I can kiss you a lot like Reiner and Bert, and I don't have to feel bad about thinking that you're really hot because you won't be my best friend anymore, you'll be my boyfriend."

Marco stares a Jean blankly and briefly contemplates pinching himself just to check he isn't dreaming.

He does, and nope, still here.

And then of all things, he says, "you think I'm hot?" and when Jean nods earnestly, he leans forward and presses his lips to the other's.

"I don't have any other best friends. Just you," Marco says after he pulls away.

Jean widens his previously half-lidded eyes, and grins dumbly. "That's good." Then, "I do, though," he says quickly, like it's a problem, and his grin drops. "Sasha. You can't love Sasha, Marco, Sasha loves Connie, and I love you so you can't."

"Don't worry, I'm a big gay," he assures.

"So you don't love Sasha?" he asks slowly.

"Nope." Not like _that_, anyway, he thinks to himself.

"That's good," Jean repeats, before returning his lips to Marco's.

* * *

The dialing tone sounds three times before it's picked up.

"Hello?" a voice says over the other end, slightly static from the bad signal.

"Everyone's having sex and I'm lonely."

"Nice to see you too, Mika."

"I know," she replies. "Didn't know you slept with Bert and Ernie."

"Yeah, not something I plan to be doing again."

"I don't know, I think the whole third wheel in the awkward puppy love relationship might be fun."

"You would know, wouldn't you?"

She breathes a short laugh before asking, "Pick me up?"

"You at yours?"

"No, Sash's."

"I'm off in ten, I'll be there soon."

"Thanks."

"Bert and Ernie there, I take it?" she asks.

"Yeah."

"Eren and Armin?"

"Yup."

"It seems we have a choice," Annie says slyly.

"My beds bigger," Mikasa points out.

"Yeah, but I have bacon in the fridge."

"Oh, you know me," she says sarcastically, rolling her eyes, even though Annie couldn't see.

"I'll be round in a bit, hang tight."

"See you," Mikasa says before hanging up and smiling slightly to herself.

* * *

**a/n:** i wrote this as a stress reliever because writing about dumb idiots doing dumb idiot stuff relaxes me


End file.
